guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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