You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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