Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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