I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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