She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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