your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
