She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
