I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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