Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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