if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You took a bar mat shot.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
