Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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