my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
