mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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