i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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