I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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