Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
