so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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