im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
