Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
