he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
