I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
