The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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