I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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