My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm having to shit out rocks
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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