I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
