I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
