exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
