Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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