if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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