You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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