there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
