totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
