I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
