kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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