I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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