I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
