Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
