wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
