Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
