Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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