I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
