put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
