Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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