Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
