New low: just hacked my moms facebook
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
