Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
