As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
