so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This house was built for laser tag.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
