I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
