took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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